My daily life in a nut shell.

i am terrible at this whole blogging thing. 

i mean theres probably no one still listening, if there ever were, but still. 

man do i suck at it. 

well a hell of a lot has changed since my last entry. first of all, i am in my second year of college and i am now majoring in math with a minor in secondary education. future math teacher right here fellas. i still do film and videos and photography and whatnot, but i am going to keep it a hobby. i live on my own in an apartment. well, on my own is a stretch, still on daddy's dime (wow that sounded so fucking pretentious). nathan and i have been over for some time now, and quite honestly more time and distance comes clarity. we were terrible together. he was manipulative, whether he meant to be or not is irrelevant, and bad for me and we simply had no future. 

i have been in therapy for my anxiety issues for the last 8 months or so. my therapist jamie is simply incredible and i am mentally in the best place i have ever been in my life. 

i recently came out to my friends and family as bisexual. SURPRISE! i like the girly bits too. 

there has been so much craziness the last few months. so much content for my blog hehehe. 

just kidding.

but seriously, so much to catch up on. 

ill update ya soon. 

much love, 

jane doe.

Alot has happened in the last few weeks, but I cant talk about that right now. Some drama has happened in the recent couple of days and I have some stuff to get off my chest. 

So here goes. 

A letter to you.

You made me care. And I hate that I care. I dont want to care but you made me.

I didnt want something this intense so fast. I wasnt ready. But you made me. 

I didnt want to open up to you. I have trust issues. And committment issues. And I overthink everything. I didnt want to open up to you, but you made me. 

You made me because of who you are. And what you do. And how you make me feel. 

After everything we've gone through in the past couple months, I thought that meant more to you. It meant more to me. 

After the crash, you cried to me. You cried and said you didnt see your own life flash before your eyes. You saw mine. You said you'd never forgive yourself if something had happend to me. I could hardly speak, or move, and was in so much pain, and everytime I looked at you I wanted to hit you for crashing that car. But instead I kissed your head and pulled you close, and whispered that it was okay.

I told you things that I dont tell people. I told you about the guys that had fucked me over and were the root of my issues. I told you about my anxiety and my depression. I told you about my dreams and my plans and my hopes. I told you about my scars from burning my wrists at my lowest point. Ive only told 2 people about that. And then I told you. 

I keep quiet when you take out your shit on me. I keep quiet when youre being, quite frankly, a dick. I keep quiet when you snap and are condescending to me for no reason. Even though all I want to do was yell and tell you to shut up. And when I spoke up you told me to just drive. 

But you made me care. After everything you made me care about you more than I wanted to. More than I should. More than I wanted to. And I thought you did too. 

After everything we've been through in a couple short months, and everything you said, and everything you confided in me, I thought you cared as much as I did. 

But that cant be.

Because I wouldnt threaten to throw it all away for something so small.

And you wonder, and even poke fun at the fact, why I have trust and committment issues and overthink every situation. 

Its because of shit like this.

This is why I stay in my bubble. Its safe and warm and nothing bad happens. I stay in my bubble because I stay safe. But I took a chance on you. And you made me care.

I have alot of issues because of people.

They make you think they care and they love and they'll never leave, but its a lie. 

Its because people always leave.

Much love, 

Jane Doe.

i dont have much to say today. my brain isnt capable of writing a full entry at the moment. 

so short version, i had a panic attack earlier, spent most of the day at work, got my car inspected, and my boy life is beyond complicated. 

ill explain later. 

until then, 

much love,

Jane Doe.

i really hate indecisiveness. and second guessing. and overthinking. and repitition. 

lol that was ironic. 

anyways...

it really sucks when i feel like ive grown and moved on from my old ways and then something happens and just simply revert right back. it really sucks.

everything with nathan was going fine. i was happy, and not second guessing or overthinking, i was just enjoying what we were doing and it felt right. but then all of the sudden im questioning everything. 

let me back track a bit. 

last night, as you read from my last entry, my manager grant, nathan and i spent the night at work. well long story short (and to keep it PG) after grant fell asleep nathan got well, intimate. lets leave it at that (although i should mention that we didnt get completely intimate, like, all the way intimate if you catch my drift, i feel thats important to mention). and it was fine, i mean i felt a little weird about it, we arent dating and we havent been talking for that long and it feels really fast, but it was fine. when i woke up this morning, i saw that i had a text from jake. he texted me at 3 oclock in the morning. either me and nathan were a little preoccupied, or i was asleep when i recieved the text, regardless i didnt answer till this morning.

basically he texted me because he was drunk and he wanted to talk to someone. we had a short convorsation after that, i asked how he and macy were doing, he told me they were good, and then he told me that he needed to talk to me soon. i asked him what about and he said just talk, nothing specific and that we should have lunch soon. i said okay.

so that alone was odd, we havent talked in a few weeks, and when we do we usually dont make lunch plans. so obviously im quite curious where that is going to go. 

quick sidenote today at work was fantastic, i had 2 private paintball groups and i recieved a $72 dollar tip which is the largest tip ive ever gotten so that was fantastic. 

anyway fast foward to after work, nathan and i went back to my dorm so we could shower and then come back to the park to spend the night again. now, this isnt the first time he has showered at my dorm, however we usually take turns and dont take one together, but we did this time. at first it was just simple, we washed each other's hair and cheesy shit like that, but then we went a little farther than we did the night before. and again, it was fine, a little too fast and early in our whatever-our-relationship-is for my liking, but it was fine. however, something strange happened. i found my mind drifting to jake, which sounds absolutely horrible, but i was thinking about when we used to shower together and it was just so easy. we laughed and joked and it was just fun. with nathan it felt intense, not necessarily the good kind, and purely sexual. obviously different relationships are different, and i get that, but the feelings i was getting were different. to be completely honest, the things we were doing didnt really do anything for me. i felt like i had to fake it. the kissing, the other stuff, just wasnt doing anything. not for my body, not for my soul.

i talked to leah (my best friend) earlier on the phone about this, and she said something that stood out to me. she said "well of course, you and jake were best friends before". 

is that the key? dating your best friend? i feel like thats how it should be. all those cheesy names, best friend, partner in crime, other half, better half, are they simply the truth? we were friends first, and our relationship was good. i sometimes feel like i make him and our relationship seem worse than it was, because in a way thats easier for me to handle. its easier to think that i got out of a dysfunctional relationship that was full of fighting and problems and bullshit, than the fact that i ended something that was good, but just needed some work. but when i really think about it, i dont even remember half the things i used to complain about  about our relationship. they seem so meaningless now. 

anyway back to the story, on the way back i told him basically what happened with me and jake's convorsation, and he just told me okay, we're not dating so you can do what you want. later when nathan and i got back to the park, i stopped the car, and asked him if this was just about sex (because if it is, thats not me, and thats not enough for me). and he gave me a good answer. he said if this was about sex he would have already left. he has only slept with one person in his life, and he's not that type of person. i simply replied with okay. he asked if i didnt believe him, and i told him it wasnt that. it was just the fact that thats what the past few guys ive started talking to want. thats it. and its hard for me to get over that. he said simply that thats not him, and that he's not my past, he's my present. 

but then as he was getting out of the car he said, let me ask you this, do you still have feelings for your ex? i didnt know what to say. i just took a breath and said it was complicated. he replied with that means yes. to which i said that did not mean yes, that meant it was complicated. but he replied its a yes, i can see it in your eyes. i wanted to continue the convorsation but he said something about wanted to go inside cause he wanted to play zombies with everyone. 

we're going to talk later before we go to bed, so ill let you know how that goes.

anyway i cant write anymore because my brain hurts. its confused and it hurts. 

ill make sure to keep you updated with my drama though. 

goodnight, and 

much love. 

Jane Doe.

i have something to say i think most everyone under the age of about 24 can easily identify with. 

school sucks. 

this week has been a struggle to say the least. with thanksgiving and winter break quickly approaching, my thoughts are quickly drifting away from keeping up with homework and school work and going towards laying in bed watching netflix all day. 

if i hadnt mentioned it before, i am studying radio, television, and film. i want to one day be a director for film and tv. however if youre not in college or just dont know, theres still core classes you have to take in order to get your degree. math, english, communications, foreign language, the whole shabang. and lemme just say its really difficult to put effort into subjects youre not interested in. i just wanna make films. i dont really care about the quadratic formula. 

so all in all, regarding school, this week has pretty much consisted of skipping classes to sleep in a little longer. 

other than class, its been a good week nathan stayed with me for the weekend until tuesday, then i took him home so he could go to class (he goes to a different college than i do). wednesday i had my final games for intermural soccer (we lost our first playoff game, it was slight bullshit but hey, life goes on), and nathan came to watch me play and then stayed the night again. i took him home thursday for class, went to my own class, then went and picked him up to see the new hunger games movie (it was great if you were wondering). a group of us went to a dine in theatre and it was quite a good night. it was nathan and i, tim and his girlfriend, my mother, tim's mother, and a couple of their friends (if you knew our mom's its not as weird as it sounds, our moms are awesome). 

now currently i am at work spending the night with nathan and our manager grant. theyre playing call of duty zombies while im sitting on my computer. 

so thats my past week in a nutshell. i might write another entry here in a little bit, if not ill write one later on this weekend.

till next time.

much love,

Jane Doe.

well since my blog began, most of my entries have been about the male species. im a teenage girl dont be surprised. so to keep in tune with the basic theme of this little website, let me tell you about the new boy in my life. 

his name is nathan. 

now i met him at my new job at the paintball park, and at first there was little interaction between us. however as time went on, we began to talk and joke around. as more time went on, there was a little flirting going on. as more and more time went on, i developed a little crush. i expected little to come from it as im too shy to start anything, he hadnt tried to talk to me outside of work either, and we are very different people so i assumed he wouldnt be interested. however james and i (james is a boy that i became close friends with at the park as well, ill tell his story later) had been talking about going to a haunted house around halloween time with him, his girlfriend joy (also from the park), and i. well in order to not be a third wheel, i was going to invite someone as well. long story short i worked up the courage and asked nathan. 

he said yes. 

james and joy ended up not being able to go, so i invited my friend ava (whom ive known since middle school) and larry (whom i met at the park as well). we all went, and again long story short, it went very well. nathan and i ended up cuddling and holding each other through the house. he ended up coming back and sleeping with me in my dorm room. and then the rest of the weekend as well. 

but here's the kicker. 

all we did was sleep. 

and it was great. 

typically if a teenage boy sleeps in your bed, especially multiple nights in a row, theyre going to try to get in your pants. but not nathan. it was so innocent and sweet. we didnt even kiss until the third day that we were together. 

so to sum the weekend up, a boy i hung out with for the first time outside of work, ended up sleeping in my bed saturday night, sunday night, and monday night. and we didnt even kiss until monday. 

some people would be unhappy about this, but i loved every minute of it. no pressure, no expectations. 

since then, we've been talking mostly every day, and spending pretty much every weekend together. 

because of my past, ive been hesitant to jump into a relationship, but we'll see how it goes. and of course ill keep you up to date. 

so to sum up our little story thus far, ill tell you some things i really enjoy about our relationship. 

1. hes used to seeing me at work all the time, where i look rough as hell. so i got to skip that stage of "oh he cant see me without makeup and hair done until month 3"     

2. hes protective. but not in the bad way. it makes me feel safe. 

3. he doesnt pressure me. i dont feel like im being pressured to do anything. and itll just come with time. 

theres more, but i gotta keep yall coming back for more.

until next time. 

much love, 

Jane Doe. 

it has been 617 days since my last post. that translates to:

• 88 weeks & 1day
• 617 days
• 14,808 hours
• 888,480 minutes
• 53,308,800 seconds

so today i just bought some peanut butter at the gas station.

Do you ever do that? just see something and say i gotta have it? 

Well according to Jake, thats what he thought the first time he saw me. Corny i know, right? 

Jake and i met 2nd semester of my sophmore year. We had 1st period French 2 together. Super romantic french is, or at least they say. The 'language of love'. i guess you could say its occasionally true. But just like anything meant to be beautiful it doesnt always turn out that way. Jake would think of any reason to talk to me. The first text he sent me he was pretending to be the IRS saying that they had caught me for insurance fraud. Whata dork. We began talking more and more. I bought an xbox recently after we began talking, and he told me he'd come set it up for me. That was the first time we had hung out. By the end of the night he took a selfie of us and captioned it, "chillin with the best friend". Thats how he saw me. Obviously we ended up going out. However i knew it wasnt right. After just 3 weeks i ended it because i couldnt get over Tim. And that wasnt fair to him. He couldnt even say anything. He just kept saying "its fine, its fine" and walked into his house. I pretended to be sick for the next 3 days so i wouldnt have to see his face. That was probably the hardest thing ive ever had to do to someone because i could see how hurt he was. i guess i got over it though because a few months later, around the beginning of summer we started hanging out again and eventually got back together. And nearly 8 months later here we are.

Thats why this is so hard. I cannot even imagine having to tell Jake the same thing that killed him a year ago. Because i know how hard that is to hear. i experienced it with Tim. And i dont even know if i want to tell him that. 

I dont know. I guess we'll figure it out. 

Much love, 

Jane Doe.

Nearly 2 years since I began this little blog, and not much less then that since the last time i have posted. Im now halfway through my junior year, i have a job, and just a lot has changed. I doubt anyone is still listening, but let me tell you what has been going on in my little life. 

Lets start with Carly, Jade, Rebecca, and Nancy. My 'best friends'. Well, not anymore. 

High school changes you, it warps you, pulls you away, and fuses you to something new. Thats basically what happened. We simply grew apart. Well not really as simply as that. Relationships, whether romantic or family or friendly, are a two-way street. And i was the only one driving. And there was the fact that i started smoking weed occasionally and apparently that is a one-way ticket to ruining your life and eventually youll start injecting black-tar heroin and dropping acid (not the case, i might add). It simply goes to show that they no longer cared about our friendship and thats okay. 

At the present date my best friends, and they are simply amazing, are Abby and Macy. Abby and i had been in a good group of friends way back in middle school, oh lordy that was ages ago. But we recently reconnected and are closer then ever. I met Macy last year in my geography class and became really close as well. 

Now here's the boy drama. 

Sam and i no longer speak anymore. In fact he moved to Colorado a few months back. No hard feelings against him, we left on good terms. Hung out a few times before he left. But Sam and i's story ended a long time ago. 

Tim. Oh there is so much i could say about him. We are still friends and talk from time to time. However its been difficult lately. I actually am in a relationship of almost 8 months to a boy named Jake (ill go into detail about our story another time). Tim had transferred schools last year. Not looking for him in the hallway, wondering if we had classes together, hoping to catch a glimpse of him after school, it had immensely helped not to interfere with my current relationship. I no longer had to worry whether or not i was going to revert back to my old feelings. Out of sight out of mind. 

Now here's the kicker. Tim just transferred back.

Now i dont know what to think. what i want. how i feel. i just dont know. 

He has a new girlfriend Maggie, and its not the i want to get back with him eventually, its the type of people that Tim and Jake are. 

I feel just like i did with Tim vs Sam. 

Tim is the type of boy whos mature for his age, who writes you letters, writes you songs, asks you how youve been doing. It may not sound like a lot, but it feels like heaven. 

Jake, and believe me, i do love him, but he is the type of boy who would rather sit and play xbox rather than have an intellectual conversation about life or beliefs. 

I'm just not sure what to do at this point. But im figuring it out.

I missed you lovelies. Be back soon.

Much love, 

Jane Doe.

Last night, for some odd reason I cannot fathom, a random line Sam had told me when we're having troubles popped into my mind. 
"You never liked me. You just liked being liked by me." and of course as soon as he said it I was furious. I countered back with a long blah blah about how it was not true an blah blah. But its funny. When I think of it now, I wish I coul revise my reply. 
"Yeah you're right. Cause you kinda suck. You really do. You're kind of a douche bag."
In all seriousness, straight faced. 
Next time I have eye contact with him I really just want to blow him a middle finger kiss. 

Much love,

Jane Doe.

I'm tired. So tired. Mentally and physically. In the brain and in the body. However you want to word it. I'm tired.
Im happy.
I'm happy with who I am and who Im becoming. I'm happy with how I look and how I dress. I'm starting to figure out what I want to do in life.
I just don't get why others don't see it.
Because I'm feeling good and happy with myself, and I feel more alone than ever.
My old Bestfriend talks to me like he used to. And then doesn't talk to me for weeks unless I start the convorsation.
I only hang out with my friends if I take the initiative to ask them.
Otherwise I sit alone. Wasting my life on minuscule activities to keep my brain occupied simply for the reason of being occupied.
I'm tired.
Why am I the only one trying?

Much love,

Jane Doe.

I want a day. Just one 24 hour period that finally, for once, from the moment I wake up in the morning till the last moment I finally drift to sleep, I feel good and full of energy and smiling and laughing real smiles and not a single sad or reminiscing thought crosses my mind. 

I have nothing in my life to really complain about. Nothing. My life is good. I'm thankful for that. So thankful that I was blessed with the things I have. 

But I just want one day to not ache, to not worry, to just feel pure bliss for the entire 12 or so hours that I'm awake. 

I've been feeling so much better lately. But I still have my moments. 

I just want one day. 

Is that too much to ask?

Much love,

Jane Doe.

I must apologize for the fact that my past few entries have been quite depressing. 

As much as I am sad about the fact that Sam broke up with me (for those of you do not know, Sam broke up with me, idk if I had already told you that), I'm feeling good. I don't need him. I'm going to be okay.

I'm happy and smelling the roses. 

Me and Tim are on quite good terms. We're planning on hanging out this weekend and it makes me smile just thinking that I'm getting my old bestfriend back.

Other than that, my life is pretty boring lately. 

But oh my goodness the desire I have to get a side cut is so strong I cannot put it into words. 

I want one so bad. Something like this~

I love it so much. 

My mother said I can get it if I want, so that is what I shall be thinking about the next couple days. 

Well, thats all.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

I knew it would've been easier just to keep quiet. 

It would've been easier than people getting mad at me. 

Sam broke up with me. I'm going to miss him. Miss him terribly actually.

He wont probably. Who knows. 

But you know what? 

If he cant appreciate what I have to offer, than fine. 

I have a lot to give. I deserve a lot better. I know. 

I may be sad now, but I'm going to be okay. 

I'll find someone much better. 

Hopefully someone more like Tim.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

Does no one see the scars on my wrist? Or the fake smiles? 

Can honestly nobody tell that I'm seconds from a breakdown?

But then again, if they did, there'd be nothing they could do.

Except look at me like a crazy person. 

So I'll just keep it to myself.

I don't want to talk about it with anyone. 

Cause they wont understand.

I think Sam's is going to leave me. 

He says he's going crazy. He might go back to the hospital.

He says he's sorry. But that he's not satisfied. With anything.

Not with me especially. 

He never said that specifically, but I know its true. 

I'm tired of not being enough. 

For Sam, Tim, my friends, family, everyone seems to find something wrong with me or what I'm doing. 

I hate feeling so alone. 

If Sam ends everything, I don't know what I'd do.

I'd have nothing left.

Jane Doe.

No one cares.
I feel so alone.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

“I fucked up.

            dear it seems to me I’m brocken but to you I’ve just started I’m not sure what it is but I’ve grown a soft spot for you. I don’t know what it is about you sweeatheart that’s giving me time to breathe. maybe its those skin tight jeans. the hundreds of bracelets. or maybe it’s the way you look at me. ‘I don’t want to loose you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. cause everytime it makes a hole inside of me.’ I really did fuck you over. how could I be so selfish. I know im ‘gonna catch a cold from the ice inside my soul’. these things eat me away cause I broke your heart and I cant take that back
            Im going to make it up to you cause I can look back and say damn. she really did love me </3

            love.except.never.regret.

            make me a promise sweetheart. fall in love. don’t look back. when you find that perosn don’t give up done let go do whatever it takes to make them yours cause I had a chance to be with an amazing girl. and I fucked it up </3

            ‘don’t put your happiness in someone elses hands. cause when their gone, so is your happiness.”

            Typed up the exact way it was written for me. Grammatical errors and all. To me it gives it character.
 I remember the day Tim gave this to me as though it was yesterday. 8th grade graduation. He gave me the little folded up piece of notebook paper just before we sat down for the awards. Moments after the ceremony I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his perfect body and held tight, and whispered “I love you so much”. He whispered “I love you too” back to me from his perfect lips. I didn’t want to let go. I was close to tears. Somehow, in the midst of all the insanity, I had never felt happier than I had in that moment. Knowing that this perfectly imperfect boy, with his arms wrapped around me, loved me and meant it. Not for what I'd done in the past, or what I'd done for him, but for who I am. Or who i was. He loved me. And to have never have heard those words spoken to me, it was like nothing id ever tasted. I wanted to stay in that moment for the rest my life. Simple, to the point. I love you, and you love me.
            People who havent experienced something like this I don’t think understand what those words feel like piercing through your ears. From someone who you love with all your heart. Call me crazy, I was young, still am, but it was love. I don’t care what age. But you don’t understand untill you truly hear the words.

            Three simple words.

            And theyre the most beautiful things you could ever hear.

              I don’t like the fact I cant bring myself to throw away this yellowing piece of notebook paper. I don’t like being so in love with you it hurts. Nobody understands how much it hurst to taste love and having it ripped from you before you can fully experience it. I want to throw away the memories, strip you from the filing cabinets of my mind and shred the files to pieces. Never look back.

But you just cant forget your first love.

“Make me a promise sweetheart. Fall in love. Don’t look back. When you find that perosn don’t give up done let go do whatever it takes to make them yours.”

I promise. I wont give up. The small sliver of hope I have that one day youll come back is the only thing that keeps me from tearing my hair out and crying over you for days on end. 2 and a half years. And im not giving up.

Im not giving up on you.

For those of you who do not know, Tim has a new girlfriend; Carrie.
Also, Sam and I are officially going out.

Which makes my last entry even more of an issue.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. A mere 30 minutes with cause all the feelings to come flooding back. I can't pretend I hate you anymore. I love you. I still love even though I shouldn't. I miss your voice. I miss the way you tease me. I miss the way that no matter what comes out of your mouth you manage to make me smile. I miss the way I feel nothing but total happiness when I'm around you, even when I'm close to tears. I miss your jokes. I miss your laugh. I miss your hair. I miss your perfectly imperfect teeth when you smile. I miss the way you dress. I miss the music you listen to. I miss the way that no matter how much time goes by we could talk for hours and never run out of things to say. I miss you. I miss you more than words can express. I don't care what happened in the past. I just want you back in my life. I'm in love with you. Hopelessly in love. I miss my Bestfriend. 

Much love,
Jane Doe.

Finally after much effort I feel as though I am at the top of the hill.
Although when I look down, I realize I am about to fall.
I am inches from tumbling down to lower places.
The dominos are already beginning to fall. Let them lay where they may.
It's inevitable.
Just as I was getting to the top.
That's what hurts the most.
While it lasted, I felt like I was going to be okay.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase."
From 'Looking for Alaska". Haven't got a chance to read it yet, but I love this quote.
Sadly, Sam is completely opposite from this. I want to just lie on his chest and simply lie there. Just feel his presence and hear his heartbeat.
That's not gonna happen.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
For as long as I can remember, that is what we are taught.
But I can't help but wonder, when is it time to put your foot down and say no? I will not forgive. And I will not forget. Enough is enough.
It seems to me that my forgiveness is very large in abundance. Towards my friends, and family, and teachers, and especially Sam. When he messes up and treats me like shit and sends me to a really dark place, the next day as soon as he asks it's fine again.
But what about me?
What about when I mess up, and I ask his forgiveness he is almost ready to end everything. I don't understand.
Why is everyones patience with me so thin, and for the most part I'm ready to forgive within the hour?

Much love,
Jane Doe.

I miss the days of innocence. When little kids ran around the neighborhood playing secret agents. When being a rebel and staying up late was falling asleep at 10:30. I miss going to dinner or on a vacation with just your family was enough. I miss no responsibilities. I miss not worrying about looks or clothes and thinking boys were yucky. I miss when recess came along you ran around playing tag. 

Its too much today. Everyone in high school is fucked up. Everywhere you see fake smiles and people being fake to impress someone. Where has all the innocence gone? Most everyone is having sex or wishing they could. Most everyone is drinking or getting high or wishing they could. Being a rebel today is staying out of the house till 5 in the morning and when you finally come home your completely stoned. 

Not everyone is like that. 

Me and my friends aren't. 

But to tell you the truth, sometimes I wish we were.

Sam has been almost begging to go farther than kissing. And I finally tell him I will, and he doubts me and treats me like shit. 

I feel defeated. And I don't know where to go from here. 

Honestly, I just want to smoke and get high and for even just a few hours, forget. Forget the worries, forget who I am, and just be. I know the problems will still be there, but atleast for a little while it won't swarm my mind. 

And I want to do it again. And again. And again. 

But like I said. 

We don't do that. 

Maybe not for long. 

I suggest you all read the perks of being a wallflower. It is simply the greatest story ever written in my opinion. It is crazy how much you can relate to Charlie, the main character. I want to share a poem with you that I found in the book. I think its relevant. 

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s
and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think
he could reach the kitchen.

Much love, 

Jane Doe.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was a mess when we started talking.
I'm sorry I expected you to clean it up.
I'm sorry that I kept turning you down when I couldn't decide and still expected you not to leave.
I'm sorry that I kept coming back to you and screwing you over again and again.
I'm sorry that now we're talking again I blame you for us not working the first time.

With all that said, I do know that I'm not the only one at fault, even though I was probably more responsible, but it was still not only me.
As soon as you left you had another girl seemingly lined up.
When we we're still talking you were talking to other girls.
You know that is my worst fear. And you did it anyway. Even after you swore to me that you didn't have a 'Morgan'.
You told me multiple times you didnt know if you could stay with me because I wouldn't go all the way with you.

I'm making you sound worse than you are, I know. But I had to get it out.

So with all of that said, I'll say it again.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was a mess when we started talking.
I'm sorry I expected you to clean it up.
I'm sorry that I kept turning you down when I couldn't decide and still expected you not to leave.
I'm sorry that I kept coming back to you and screwing you over again and again.
I'm sorry that now we're talking again I blame you for us not working the first time.
I regret it more than I could possible explain.

Please.

Don't leave.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

So I have a story for you this morning. On the way to school, Nancy had told me something a girl, Caitlyn, had said about me (Caitlyn sits at our table at). Nancy had been telling a story and she had mentioned my name. Hearing this, Caitlyn responeded along the lines of "Of that's the really pretty girl that sits at our lunch table? Omg shes like perfect."
Hearing Nancy say this made me extremely happy. Of course, wouldn't it make anyone? Especially since lately I have been feeling ten times happier about myself.
But then, Rebecca yells out "So stop complaining!" For a moment, I was stunned. And then I asked, with a confused look on my face, "What's that supposed to mean?". Rebecca replied along the lines of "You always complain you have no confidence it's annoying!". Rebecca has never read my blog. Even though I have asked her to multiple times because she is one of my best friends and this blog is important to me. So I replied back "Well if you would actually read my blog then you would know thats not te case anymore."
Now, honestly, the fact that she simply does not read it does not bother me. It's the fact that she doesn't CARE enough to read it. That is hurtful. Sorry, but it is. She is supposedly my best friend. And I pour my heart out onto this blog. And she doesn't give it the time of day.
Thanks Rebecca.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

As you may or may not know, I am now a week into my sophmore year of high school. And to be honest, I am in a way relieved that summer is gone. It was quite a boring few months, minus a few excursions like New York, and well, that's really it. The rest of my summer was jam packed with tv watching and couch sitting and surprisingly few sleepovers with my best friends.
But the shiny new school is a slight different story. As corny as it sounds, I can honest say I'm beginning to find out who I am. I'm becoming secure with who I am and what I have to offer people. Even the way I look, which sort of was an area in which I slightly self conscious about, I am becoming to realize that I am beautiful. Like I said, very corny. But when you've gone through points where you look in the mirror and cry at what you see, this feeling is unreal.
In the mornings when I'm getting ready, I'm not longer thinking about what other people will think about what I choose to wear that day. I'm dressing for me. I feel like I'm starting to see that I'm perfect just the way I am. Flaws and all. And Im embracing me with open arms.
I cannot begin to describe how elated this makes me. Finally expressing who I am, and not caring what others think.
Corny entry, but guess what?
I don't care.

Much love,
A happier Jane Doe.

"We're all walking around with these glossy eyes. 'I'm just tired,' we say. But you know what? It's bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say, 'I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible.' We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and I'm fine, thank yous. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel it all openly. We are not metal—we are flesh and bone. Our boild blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what's left to show?"

Not mine. But this is exactly how I feel. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

For me, the scariest part of the night is just before I loose consciousness. As your body lies there, calm, relaxed, not moving a muscle, your thoughts soar through every corner of your imagination. That's when the unfriendly thoughts creep in. When rationality is thrown out the window. You begin to loose yourself. Or maybe thats when you find the real you, and what you truly desire. I haven't figured out which yet. 

All I know is that this is the one time of my day when I think the scariest thoughts, and desire material possessions and people much more intensely than I ever do when my body is fully conscious and my brain is slowed to a normal pace. 

My mind races, my heart pounds, my body aches. 

Late at night.

When I'm staring at the stars.

Much love, 

Jane Doe.

My head is spinning faster than I can think. Constantly my mind drifts to Sam. Mostly because of the boringness of my classes. But even so, I feel sick to my stomach. I hate the feeling of rejection. And at this point, that is certainly a possibility. I have put myself out there, awaiting anxiously now to hear what he has to say when we get a chance to get together outside school.
This is a confusing feeling. At some points, I have a longing to be right there by his side. Just have him there knowing that he's mine. But other times, I want to run away. Run far away from here and find one of those mushy sensitive but still manly boys (hah that's an ironic statement) that I had always seen myself going for. The kind of guy Tim was.
And that fact right there scares me greatly as well. Tim and Sam. Complete opposite people. Two totally different people in almost every way.
So the question is...
What kind of guy is for me?

Much love,
Jane Doe.

Oh how I wish I could read minds. Read exactly how people are thinking. About me specifically of course. Read how they're feeling. When they won't divulge to me out loud. There is not a doubt in my mind that if these things we're possible for me to read as easy as a book, the second thoughts? Gone. The anxiety? Nonexistent. The awkward convorsations trying to read people? Erased. Life would be clearer; as well as my foggy mind.
Unfortunantly, these wonderful powers are not possible. I must rely on the somewhat cryptic messages from people like Samuel.
Oh Sam. Please. Just tell me how you feel. Cause I can never tell.
And I really want to go to homecoming with you.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

I feel like a playlist on repeat, or even a scratched cd. The same thoughts reeling in my mind over and over, and each time coming to a different conclusion. Only to question myself again and come to a different one. The process continues ove and over again, and leaves me mentally drained. But then I stop and realize. what if it's not my decision to make? That's the scariest thought of all.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

So here goes. I like Sam. Sam, well I do not know where the status of Sam's mind is at exactly right now. He is quite a difficult person to read. We flirt. We text. Carly is convinced he likes me. I don't know. 

All I can do for now is stay on his radar and pray his feelings for me come flooding back.

Here's hoping. 

Much love,

Jane Doe.

When I awoke this morning, my mind felt much clearer. Something about starting to blog again seems to untangle the strings of my mind better than anything else. I think its simply the fact that I have the comfort and the freedom here to say anything I want. To really explain every detail of what has been reeling through my mind without someone actually listening right in front of me trying to give advice. Sometimes, I just want to get stuff out. I don't want advice all the time. Sometimes it's almost therapudic to simply get it off your shoulders. No more worrying about it.
I think thats the beauty of Jane Doe.

To all my readers who may be suffering through a muddled mind like mine, start a blog. I dont know why, but it helps.
Anyone of my readers who starts a blog or has one all ready, drop the link off on my commentary tab! I'd love to check it out.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

It's almost funny in a way really.
I just went back and read some of my early entries. The entries 'Fading away', 'Africa', and 'Words left unspoken' inpiticular (I know I probably spelt that incorrectly).
It's funny that I was so unsure if the feelings that I was feeling we're real or not, however when I reread after many months, I come to the realization that they were. They are. They are real. Because even moths after the fact, I realize I still feel most of the same feelings. Yes, the Africa feelings aren't as intense, things with Sam are much different now (I'll explain later), but the basic feelings are still present.
I guess I wasn't as crazy as I thought.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

The title of this article is quite misleading. My summer has been, disappointingly, quite boring. Rather than a summer filled with new adventures and new friends and new beginnings, I feel stuck. Yes, I've had small spurts of fun here and there, and I've taken a couple trips, but other than that, I feel as though I'm stuck in a cage and I can't break free. For some odd reason lately I've felt very disconnected. Not just from family or friends, but from myself as well. I feel distant from myself as well. I don't know who I am. I feel fake, I feel like my relationships with everyone are fake. Whether this makes sense or not is beyond me; this feeling is quite difficult to put into words. I have tried explaining this to my friends, but I don't believe they understand the gravity of the situation. It's been weighing quite heavily on me and I don't know what to do.
Now the reason for this odd predicament I find myself in? I can only think of one answer. Unfortunantly I suffer from social anxiety. I used to think it was depression, but after a few visits to a physiologist I was told differently. This was not surprising to me, I had my suspicions that the symptoms I had read about sounded much like what I was dealing with. In simple terms, social anxiety is (or atleast the type I have) causes me to question everything socially. I question my reltionships with most everyone, I over analyze every single action of my family and peers, and it drives me insane. Even something as simple as a friend not texting back after I had invited them to hang out, my mind could subconsciously twist it into that theyre ignoring me, and as we speak talking about how much they hate me to one of my other friends. Now if that doesn't seem that bad to you, it's much worse than it sounds. I am driving myself in circles and I don't know which way is up. But the worst part? I am completely aware of it. I know I twist things into crazy conclusions that could never actually be true. My friends are good people and love me. I know that I make it up, even as I'm doing it. But for some reason, I can't stop it. And it still drives me crazy.
I don't think anything understands this either. I had confused in Cathy during one of our sleepovers, and she attempted to give me advice. 'Dont listen to that stuff!' she said. 'Block it out!' she says. 'I know it's hard, it'll just take time!'. I don't think she understand that it's something I can't do anything about. Because Im aware that I'm doing it, even as its occurring. And I still believe it.
I just don't know what to do.

I really need this year to be better.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

Just thinking that it has been many months since my more frequent blogging completely breaks my heart. It tears me up inside knowing that I have not made time in my incredibly busy schedule (sarcasm) to devote time to sort out my thoughts. But I promise to you, if anyone is reading this, I swear to be more dedicated to this blog of mine; since it seems to be the only place I can be truly honest.

Much love,
Jane Doe.

If a girl posted a picture of herself on some sort of instagram/facebook/twitter/whatever type website with a caption along the lines of "I'm  ugly", people's  immediate reaction, whether they think it or vocalize it, is mostly along the lines of "Oh my gosh this girl is so annoying shes just fishing for compliments." etc etc. Am I right?

If a girl posted a picture of herself on some sort of instagram/facebook/twitter/whatever type website with a caption along the lines of "I'm beautiful" people's their immediate reaction, whether they think it or vocalize it, is mostly along the lines of "Oh my gosh shes so conceited she thinks shes the shit wow she thinks way too highly of herself she isn't even pretty" etc etc. Am I right?

And while yes, sometimes the reaction of "oh she's just fishing for compliments" is sometimes spot on, sometimes it's not. For all you know the girl behind the computer screen wholeheartedly believes what she is saying about herself, and just doesnt want to lie anymore. Or maybe she wholeheartedly believes what she is typing and believes she isn't good enough and all she needs is someone to notice that somethings wrong and tell her that she's is beautiful? That she's good enough? But no. For the most part, we berate her for being annoying and "fishing for compliments."

And while yes, saying that your beautiful is thinking a little bit highly of yourself, what the hell is wrong with that? Unless the person isn't overly cocky the majority of the time, she should be exalted for being proud and grateful for the way God made her. She should be exalted for wholeheartedly believing the she truly is beautiful. Inside and out. She should be exalted, simply for the fact that she is not only content with what she brings to the table, but is elated with what she brings to the table. She should above all be envied for her attitude. Because she can do what well over half the girls in America can't; look in the mirror, and smile at what she sees everytime. 

Why are we so quick to judge? Why do we jump to conclusions about others and their motives? Why do we think we know someone and what they're going through enough to tell ourselves its okay to put someone down? Let's stop, and think before we speak.  It may be a cliche, but we are all beautiful. Whether it be our face or our mind or our heart. 

So let's believe it. 

Much love, 
Jane Doe. 

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~Dr. Suess

Even though I have gone through some what of a rough year or two, I can honestly say I know what happiness is. I have experianced all kinds of happiness. I know what it feels like. Being surrounded by true people. And true friends. And knowing that you can love. And knowing you are loved. Even if it may not be in the way you want, you are loved. I think thats one ingredient in life that people need to be happy. There is no substitute. Just to understand the fact that love is real. Thats what lifes about. Surrounding yourself with people who love you, and who make you genuinely happy. Even though people make mistakes, or change their mind. But who's to say that they're wrong? That they're feeling the wrong feelings? Is that even possible? To feel the wrong feelings? I don't believe so. No matter how upset you may become over another persons' actions or choices, and that's okay to do so, just know that even though you don't agree with their choices, just know that they're just trying to make themselves happy as well. The same as you. And you cannot be upset with them for that. No matter how upset you may get or how much anger you feel, remember that this is life. Life is a roller coaster. It can be scary, with it's ups and downs, and backwards and the loop-de-loops, but if you focus on the fact that everything is going to be all right, you'll realize that it's meant to be a joy ride.

If you read my last entry, you know I've been having doubts with my friends. Now I know that my friends are truly the best girls I know. After reading my entry, they both took the time to text me super long messages telling me that they were truly sorry and don't mean to do that to me. I knew they don't mean to, which is why I said it was in my head, but it meant so much that they showed they cared about me to take the time to tell me these things. I wholeheartedly know I have the best friends in the world. 

Love you girls.

Much love,

Jane Doe.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm growing apart from the people who i love the most. The people who know me better than anybody else. The people who get me through my worst days. The people who i spend my best days with. I feel like like they don't even want me around anymore. I always text them and invite them to things and whatever else. And it seems as though all I receive in return is getting blown off for a few hours or even completely. I feel like I'm constantly being lied to. Like when they talk to me it seems almost condescendingly at times. And then when we hang out just two of us everything is completely fine. I don't know. I think I'm paranoid. It simply feels as though they never feel inclined to ask me if I'm okay. They don't even notice that I'm not. And when they do, they either don't understand, tell me I'm wrong, or become angry with me. I don't know. I know that none of this is actually true. I'm just paranoid. There's things that I'm afraid of and I don't know why. 

1. Pistanthrophobia- which is the fear of trusting people. Yet I have the opposite problem. I overly trust people and end up being disappointed sometimes. 

2. Social anxiety- I fear that people are constantly talking about me behind my back. 

3. And somewhat paranoia- I fear that people are reading my mind... I know his sounds ridiculous. I've never told anyone this before, for fear that they would think I was crazy. I also have the fear that people hate me. I always feel like I have to say something, or do something, to go out of my way to show them, I don't even know, to show them that I like them and maybe they'll think "oh yeah she's okay, maybe I like her." Thats not exactly what I mean but its hard to explain.

I don't even know. Its all in my head, but I can't help it. When I'm alone with my thoughts this is what happens. 

Much love,

Jane Doe.

(insert lengthy and interesting blog entry here).

Due to the fact that I suffer from severe procrastination, I will be a having a fun night doing many characterization paragraphs. Which means I do not have time to blog. 

I'll be back soon!

Pinky promise. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

At the psychologist, she asked me lots of questions. About why I think I'm ADD, whats difficult, when is it hard to pay attention. This was indeed a simple task. But then, she inquired about why I think I have depression. I told her things that happened in the past, about Carly being diagnosed with it, losing an amazing friend Tim, troubles with Sam, and things I made up in my own head. I made it seem like situational depression. That can't be right. I didn't tell her that one little thing sets me off, a small comment, a rude look or gesture, and the rest of the day I'm in a sour mood. Or that sometimes I cry for hours in remembrance of past things I have lost. Or that, like tonight, I become upset about something as petty and snooty as not getting the lake house that I wanted, but then I begin to think about Africa. I told her about my dreams to go to Africa with the Peace Corps. And she assured me that it was good that thinking about those less fortunate than me is good because it makes me feel better. But it doesn't. Like tonight. When I was busy being a 1st world country, spoiled little bitchy rich girl, crying about a lake house, the 3rd world continent crossed my mind. Instead of making me feel better, I became disgusted. Disgusted at how brutally unfair life is. I looked around my at the surplus of clothes, and shoes, and nicknack whatevers, and I was disgusted at myself. I hated everything in that room. Including myself. I hated myself for being here, in a world of surplus, while people don't even have the basic necessities. And even though I'm conscious of this fact, I still find myself complaining about my petty "issues'.

Boo-hoo.

Poor me.

I can't focus.

Boo-hoo.

Poor me. 

I can't figure out my feelings for a boy.

Boo-hoo.

Poor me. 

I feel bad for the less fortunate so why don't I go lay down and cry in my $1,000 bed.

Surrounded by probably double that in clothes. 

Under a roof that costs nearly $1 million dollars.

Boo-hoo. 

Poor me. 

Much love, 

    Jane Doe.

Have you ever listened to so many other voices that you have forgotten your own? Have you ever been pulled so many different directions that you no longer have a sense of which way is up? 

I felt like I was regaining my footing after a rough patch. But now it seems I'm at the top of a downward spiral. I don't know what is going on. 

Everyone is giving me different advice on Sam. I don't even know what my real opinion is anymore. It's hard to form your own vision of someone when your vision is so clouded by others visions. I don't know what to do. 

I'm scared. 

Secondly, I told my mother that I thought I was depressed around Januaryish. Recently I told her I'm sure I have ADD. Now tomorrow bright and early I am going to a physiologist. While I am still sure on the ADD, I am iffy on the depression. I have been feeling immensely better for a couple months. I feel it isn't necessary to get checked out for that tomorrow. I mean, I probably have it, yes, but it has disappeared for the time being. 

Will they think I was lying if the doctor says I'm fine now? 

I'm so scared. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

After speaking with Carly about the topic of my last entry, she assures me that I have a right to feel the way I do. I did not decide where I was born and what kind of things I was born into.

What would I do without her keeping me sane?

Lets hope I can learn to listen to her.

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Have you ever felt like something was so bad in your life so you mope around feeling sorry for yourself? But then minutes later, you stop and realize you have no right to complain, realize that your life is better than half the people on the planet? And now your mad at yourself for being so selfish, on top of secretly still upset about whatever upset you in the first place? Well I have.

In the few weeks behind me, this is increasingly what is on my mind at most times of the day. I complain about my oh-so-important boy issues, the fact that I think I'm depressed (which I'm going to a psychologist for next week), "family issues", grades, school, etc. But when it comes right down to it, I don't have a right to complain. I'm a spoiled, bitchy, selfish teenage girl who lives in a close-to million dollar house and gets almost whatever she wants. Yet what have I done to deserve this? What have I, a selfish girl who takes every thing she owns for granted like she's entitled to it, done that poor children who are dying in Africa have not? Why do I out of all people deserve a somewhat life of luxury when adults in Africa cannot afford clothes to cover their children? Why am I entitled to whatever I want, when others can hardly afford the necessities? I live in a small corner of my own little world. Not aware of the daily tragedies of others.

Yet I still believe I am entitled to complain about my petty issues and waste yet more money on a psychologist that I think I need because my life is oh-so-traumatizing. I don't deserve anything I have. 

So in a attempt to redeem myself, earn what I already own, and assist those who really deserve however I can, straight out of college I am joining the Peace Corps. 

Africa here I come. 

You deserve much more then I can offer. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

She sits and listens to the world around.

And reflects upon herself.

She wonders why she deserves this life. 

And it makes her young heart pound. 

She walks through life in confused haze.

Vaguely knowing what she's meant to do.

She looks as though she's completely lost,

But she's simply counting down the days.

Counting down to the days until she can give.

Give for once and make others happy.

Because she feels she does not deserve the same.

But when she realizes she does, that'll be the day. When she can finally live. 

QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT BEFORE I BEGIN. 

Except for today, where I will catch you up on everything, I will now post weekly on Sundays! Plus maybe the occasional weekday post. 

THAT IS ALL.

Sam. 

One day I'm head over heels, the next I'm feeling trapped and claustrophobic. One day I think I want to try things with him, the next I think I want to stab myself so I don't have to deal with him anymore (not literally of course). But a recent realization came to mind recently; why am I so wishy-washy on deciding my feelings for someone when its not like he's proposing marriage? Its not permanent, so why when I get close to having a relationship with him, I suddenly have a feeling like I'm locked in a room with no way out. And I'm tired of it. It would be so easy to just through caution to the wind. Go for it. And just have fun while I'm still young. It is frustrating beyond belief. I am hopeful that soon I will be able to shed these bad habits quite soon and gain a summer boyfriend.

Much love, 

    Jane Doe.

Time for a super exciting short little rant about my shitty grades!

So, because I am quite spoiled (yes I'll admit it), my father has happily agreed to buy me a blue chevy cruze eco *angels sing* for my 16th birthday! It's a beautiful car if I do say so myself. However, there is one condition; all my grades must be A's and B's. And unfortunately, in biology I have a 74. It makes me want to cry. 

WHY IS SCHOOL SO HARD. 

Short and sweet entry. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe. 

Ladies and gents, introducing the wonderful, the amazing, the boy that is stealing my Carly's heart but storm in just a short week...

JT!

Now here's the story of how they met. 

So, if you read Carly's blog, (serendipitydaily.webnode.com), you are informed that she has secured the role of Anne Frank in our schools production of The Diary of Anne Frank. Quite exciting I know. And if you know the story, you are aware that Anne must kiss a boy named Peter. And Peter is being played by a somewhat of a douchey boy, Jack. So, because of the fact that Carly had (keyword HAD) not yet had the pleasure of her first kiss, our friend Sabrina decided to not let him be her first kiss. She craftily arranged for JT to randomly come up to Carly and kiss her. On the mouth. Out of nowhere. Now even though she was aware of this plan, just not the exact time, I am positive when the time came she was utterly shocked to say the least. I was not there when it happened, but I was with her in the aftermath and she was in hysteric giggles. 

Now here's what is occuring now. 

Flirtacious texting to the extreme every night, an exchange of "I like you, you like me", and plans to hangout next weekend. Not much yet, but I have a very good feeling about this boy. 

Here's hoping it works out.

Much love, 

    Jane Doe.

10 lengthy days since my last pitifully small entry. Oh how it saddens me so to find no time to update my humble little blog more often. What especially saddens me as well is to have to apologize for an absense every blog entry; which is what I find myself doing everytime I happily find time to blog. But I shall do my best to become more diligent in my writing. 

Now we have quite a few topics to dicuss.

1. Carly's newest (and cutest) boy toy.
2. My falling grades *tears*.
3. Sam issues. 
4. My issues.

So, if you will, proceed to the next four entries and I shall happily inform you on these very important topics.

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Again, I apologize for my week long absence. Crazy week, quite busy, not much time to write unfortunantly. And this upsets me quite much.

We had originally planned for Sam to hitch a ride home with me like usual, and just come back to my house to hang out. But before my mother even picked us up, I told him that whatever we had, it could not continue. I could not handle being with someone any longer that was so consumed in thought about sex. He thinks that it is an important part of a relationship. But the fact is, I am 15. I am a freshman. And a virgin. I can't deal with this anymore.

But of course, I was unfortunantly cursed with an indecisive mind. I don't know how long this decision will last.

Hope you enjoy my ranting about boy troubles.

I'm going to try and post more, its quite upsetting that I don't very often anymore.

Much love, Jane Doe.

I'm going to keep this entry short and sweet because frankly, my thoughts are so jumbled today and it'd be interesting to try and write a whole long entry.

Today, as a freshman, I got cut from next year's team. I don't even try out again next year, I'm just done. Now this news wasn't devastating to me, I didn't really mind because school soccer is stupid and I have a great club team.

Even so, I'm tired of giving everything to someone, and then they sit me down and tell me everything I'd done, wasn't good enough.

I'm tired of not being good enough.

Much love, Jane Doe.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for not having blogged in a few days, it quite upsets me that I have not found time to do so this weekend. But nevertheless, I am back.

Sunday was quiet filled with little activity. Blueberry muffins for breakfast, soccer scrimmage at 2, then Steve went to Rebecca's house to hangout so I invited them over for a little while. The rest of the day I lounged around like a couch potatoe untill right before I went to bed, I had these slight stomach pains and a headache. Assuming they'd be gone by morning, I proceeded to bed as usual. But when I woke up the next day, I realized I was wrong. Short story shorter, I stayed home sick (I probably could've gone to school, but I was extremely tired). While I continued to be a couch potatoe that day, I had much time to think. And, against my will and better judgement, Sam was mostly the subject of my thoughts, with, surprisingly, the occasional memory of Tim. Sam for obvious reasons, but I have no idea why he keeps swimming into my thoughts lately. I mean I know I miss having him as my best guy friend, but how much?

Happy Wednesday.

Much love, Jane Doe.

Have you ever had the feeling that your about to suffocate? Well I have. And I had that feeling today. All was well in the Jane Doe household, but I just needed to leave. So I grabbed my sunglasses, headphones, and my longboard and hit the road. I didn't intend to go there, but I ended up on a course to Sam's. What was I going to say when I got there? I had no idea. What was I supposed to say? That my confused, depressed, unable to sort out thoughts brain can no longer deal with him (I sort of explained all the things he does in my last entry) anymore? No. Because I'm not even positive if thats what I wanted to say. I don't even know if I believe that. When I finally arrived, I sat my butt down on my longboard purched on his driveway, and waited for him to reply to my 'come outside' text. After mearly 2 minutes, a realization came to mind; I shouldn't be here; this is not a good idea. Why I came to this realization, I have no idea. But even so, I turned my longboard around and left. Of course Sam called me and begged me to come back. I lied and said I had to go home, that my visit wasn't important anyway. But I didn't go home. I immediately called Carly and asked to come over. I still felt trapped, like I couldn't breathe. When I finally arrived, Nancy was there, and they were making some confession of their love to give to Hot Chelle Rae next week at their concert. Eventually she left, and I proceeded to tell Carly all about my endeavors of the day. Afterword, being able to breathe a little easier, I decided to go home and get ready for Rebecca's late celebration of her birthday (dinner at Chilis then Hunger Games). 

Happy Sunday. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Thanks to an instagramer, I realized something. I make Sam seem like a total jerk. So I decided to write about the good things about him.

After sitting here for ten minutes looking at a blank screen, I start to wonder, "is there anything good to say about him? Is there anything to say about this non-virgin, pot-smoking, never serious 14 year old with his I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude?" But I must convince myself yes. Theres something about him that compells to drive myself insane trying to sort through my feelings for him. So I sit here. Thinking about the positives. The first, he makes me laugh. The total cliche, I know. But he has such a positive outlook. Even putting aside some of the shit he's gone through, he still laughs. And makes me laugh as well. Another, he is the easiest person to talk to in the world. He says he's awkward when it comes to people, and don't get me wrong, he is, but no matter what your talking about he keeps the convorsation going. Even when its me and my friends and my mom on our way home from school, its never just an awkward silence. There's always something to talk about. And last but not least, he makes me feel good. Yes, I complain about some of the things he tells me, but putting that aside, he tells me things that no guy has told me before. I don't have the best self-esteem in the world, and while it does bother me occasionally that he uses words like "sexy" alot, it still makes me feel, wanted. Something I haven't felt since Tim, and before Tim, never.

Just a few kind words. I probably didn't do him justice, but its better than nothing.

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Early release day. Came back to school for soccer. Won 3-0. Played pretty well. 

But no matter how hard I try (brace yourself for my rambling about my boy life) Sam is weighing heavily on mind. Every thought drifts to him. And not just the "Oh he's so perfect" thoughts that you may jump to the conclusion of when I say that. It's a constant battle. A constant, uphill, take-over-my-mind battle. One minute I am so sure that we can make things work and the next I doubt myself once again. But the thing is, I shouldn't have to make things work. These kind of things should come naturally, right? 

What I've come to realize, is that he has never said why he likes me as a person. About what he likes about whats in my head, and my heart (I greatly apologize for the corniness). He directs comments to the 'pretty eyed, sexy, hot' side, instead about how I make him feel or why he enjoys my conversation. I may sound like an obnoxious 15 year old girl complaining that I don't get enough compliments, but this is how I feel. The way he speaks about having a girlfriend is so he can have someone to 'do things with' (I'll subtract details, keep it PG) or so he won't be bored on Friday nights. The way he speaks about having me, seems that he only wants my body; and I don't like that. 

Had to get that out of my confused head. 

"I might not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm ok, and I'm on my way."

Have a happy weekend.

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Midterms tomorrow, haven't studied, extremely smart I know. 

Today's been like all the rest, boring. I apologize with nothing very exciting to report. 

Mixed signals. Thats all I'm getting from Sam. At least I think that's what you'd call this... 

One second its "Oh your so hot your eyes are georgous blahblahblah" and walking in the hallways and texting all throughout school. Then after school its like *me text him* ..... (an hour and a half later) *he replies* over and over. Like what is this?

Okay. Done with that. I sincerely apologize for the silly boy talk. But hey, I'm a 15 year old girl. What do you expect?

I figured out today that my knee hyperextends. Exciting, eh? At least now I know the culprit.

I should probs start blogging earlier, after around 8:30 my brain starts to turn to mush. So I apologize for the somewhat *cough cough* shitty *excuse my language* post, I'll make it up tomorrow pinky promise!

Hope all is well in your worlds. I wish you a happy friday. WOOT WOOT TO THE WEEKEND. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Hmm lets see... sorry its late and my brain is slightly fuzzy... okay here we go. 

Beginning the day with theatre (review games for tomorrow's exam, I unfortunately come to the realization that I will unfortunately be failing my unfortunate exam, how unfortunate. Oh well. On to soccer. We got to scrimmage full field, but unfortunately my knee had some immense pain so it was a little bit difficult. The rest of my day was again quite uneventful,

OH WAIT IT WAS REBECCA'S BIRTHDAY DAY TODAY! Happy Birthday! 

Anyway, I did make an instagram account today to promote this blog of mine, which was quite successful if I do say so myself. 7ish short hours and nearly 100 followers! Thanks to everyone, it means a great deal. 

Not much else to say for this simple wednesday, I apologize for the conciseness. 

Much love,

Jane Doe.

7:20 AM this morning my mother enters my bedroom door, and tells me time to get up, turns on her heels, and walks back out. Of course, being a lazy-sleep lover like me, I quickly fall back into a light doze. 

8:00 AM, with school starting in FIFTEEN MINUTES, my mother comes barreling through the door, screaming her head off, telling me I'm going to be late and going to get a detention. Well, needless to say, when you wake up to the soothing sounds of hysteric cries, it would send anyone into cardiac arrest. 

Even with the unfortunate start, my day turned out to be quite quiet. A fairly pleasing day.

4th period rolled around and Professor D was absent. Our substitution for her was an odd one. He waddled around the classroom and referred to the class as "my friends." But the class turned out to be quite enjoyable, much like the rest of my day. The duration of the class period was spent working on our midterm reviews. I went off and "worked" with Jade, but of course we did nothing but play checkers on her Zune and listen to Coldplay. After school, Carly and I had the pleasurable oppurtunity of having a wonderful school soccer game (much sarcasm intended). I'm only teasing, the game was not complete torture. For some odd reason I went as forward in the second half, and I almost scored, I mean no biggie. But eventually I had to come out, my knees were absolutely killing me (I have lots of knee issues, I'll explain sometime in the future). The rest of my day contained of chili, dance moms, and now currently sitting atop Carly's bed, helping her set up her own blog, and writing the recap of my day. 

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Sam told me today (as a joke of course) that I'd make a good whore because I'm "hotter than the sun." Of course its a joke, but I can't help but think,

Where have all the good men gone?

The gentlemen?

What happened to compliments like pretty, gorgeous, and beautiful?

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Currently I am in soccer, but today (thank the lord) we have study hall for the whole class period. And today, sitting in the locker room, something grabbed my attention and launched my thoughts back to the days when I was still very close with Tim.

One of the sweetest girls I have ever had the privilage of knowing, lets call her Molly, recently got into a relationship with a very sweet boy, and lets call him Tommy. Today in the locker room, Molly was as smiles as she showed a few a us Tommy's surprise letter he wrote her. Short and sweet, telling her she is the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. At first, I was nothing but happy for her. But then, as people were saying how lucky she was to have a boy that would write hand written notes, because not that many boys do that anymore, it hit me like a punch to the stomach. Tim was that kind of boy. The kind that wrote me page long notes. Heartfelt, sweet notes, the kind you keep on you bedside table and read every night, over and over. Of course I'm long over Tim, but then why does this small reminder sting?

Much love,

    Jane Doe.

Being slightly OCD, starting daily blogging on a Tuesday just doesn't sit right in my head. So now, on Tuesday morning, I shall recap on My Monday.

Mondays are never fun. Worst day of the week in my opinion. But coming back after spring break was even more of a buzz kill. As I arrive back in those school halls on my way to 1st period theatre, feels like I never left. But fortunately the day seems to fly by. Monologue in theatre, in soccer the next period inside the IAC (indoor athletic facility) quick 6 vs. 6 games, english and biology the last half of day, well, I hardly remember. What I do recall, is at lunch. I miss the cafeteria food. It tastes so delicious, thank you pizza hut for being in my cafeteria. 

I continue to text with Sam nearly all day. Since we drive by his house on the way home from school anyway, my mother suggested he tag along in Carly, Rebecca, Nancy, and I's carpool. He agreed. still haven't come to a conclusion to whether or not I am excited about this. 

Game day Tuesday, probably should find my jersey...

Much love,

        Jane Doe.

My friends are some of the most important people in my life. Lets call them Carly, Rebecca, Nancy, and Jade. 

Carly:

Well, Carly and I are very close. Our brains seem wired, considering we think alike, have similar interests, which is why we are obviously twins separated at birth. So since we're married, I guess that's incest... oh well. We both play soccer in our freshman year, but intent on quitting and taking up theatre in the 10th grade. We get each other, go through the same issues, and I am lucky to have her. 

Rebecca: 

The first time I met her, she creepily said hello to me through my fence (her mother forced her to, considering we're new-almost neighbors since I moved in one house down). And is probably the best things that has ever happened. We are practically inseparable, connected at the hip. She is sarcastic, in a mean way, but she is obsessed with pink and the word love. Love infatuates her. Entices her. Her five rings have some variation of a heart, has a picture of love written using hands on her wall, and wears a bracelet daily which reads "All you need is love." Her ex-boyfriend of a near 6 months, lets call him Steve. 

Nancy: 

You know that girl in your grade who seems innocent, shy, quiet, and smart? Well that's Nancy. Yet when you get to know her, you come to realize your first impression of her was wrong. Oh so very wrong. Lazy, loud and funny Nancy is. Completely misjudged by the first impression. I hadn't been friends with her until recently, brought to her mostly by Carly and Rebecca. 

Jade:

Jade is the stereotypical good girl overachiever whose mother is quiet and sweet, but any grade under a 90 is unacceptable. She is gifted with music in the way of flute and piano. One of the sweetest girls you'll meet. Again I recently become friends with Jade, brought together by Carly and Rebecca. 

These are my closest friends in a nut shell. We are all a close group of 5. 

Thanks for reading. 

Much love,

        Jane Doe.

Being very early in the morning, my day has just begun. I lay in bed listening to the rumble of the small thunder storm encasing me. What to type in my first blog entry in history? OF COURSE. I must catch up any potentially readers on my life. Not who I am, but WHERE I am, in terms of events. So here goes.

Lets start with 8th grade. The beginning of change. I had never had a boyfriend. Not one, almost completely oblivious on how to interact with the male species. Just kidding. I'm not as socially awkward as I make myself sound. I can flirt. And flirt back boys too. But as I sit down in 7th period math as I do every Monday through Friday, I take note of the seating arrangements. Our normal rows have turned to make many desk pairs of two (and stay like this for a couple weeks). I take my seat, and later a boy I have known since 6th grade social studies, but never really KNEW, sits across from me into his assigned seat. What a cutie. Lets call him Tim (sticking with generic names are easiest). Now Tim and I click instantly (total cliche, excuse me). We joke and laugh and something inside me says "Somethings different." Days and days of the same easy talk. Eventually I figure out his relationship status; taken. But thats okay. I mean we're just friends. And he is so very fun and easy to talk to. Days and weeks go by and we continue the easy conversations; in math, in the hall, over text. Fast forward around 5 months. Summer has just begun. Tim and I, now very close, hangout together daily. About a week into summer and he breaks up with his girlfriend (this I am not quite proud of). It is obvious there is something. Weeks go by and still together every other day. I'll spare the details because explaining them all would be lengthy and without a point. Needless to say Tim ends up being my first kiss. Oh rejoice rejoice! But wait, hours after, when I am lounging in my humble abode, texting who I think to be my eventual boyfriend, tells me something is wrong. Once again I shall spare the pointless details. We promise to be friends, and I am okay with this decision. Still talking almost 24/7, hanging out occasionally, I love having Tim in my life. Towards the end of summer I am whisked away for a pleasant week at church camp. (fastfoward one week). Upon my arrival home again, and the arrival of my phone back in my hands, I discover Tim's relationship status; back together with his ex. Thank you Facebook for keeping me informed.

Fast forward to the beginning of freshman year. Needless to say Tim and I's conversations and hang outs have dwindled to almost nonexistent. Except for the occasional texting. And surprisingly, I do not give much care to the thought. Semester 1 of freshman year contains art, soccer, world geo, and algebra. And eventually, a boy I had known of since around the 3rd grade, made an appearance into my life. Lets call him Sam. Sam, well he isn't the most well-behaved kid on the entire earth. But I shall spare you the details. Lots of texting, eventually a hangout, and we go right to full blown making out. Yeah we move slow. Whoops. Anyway, I suffer from I-overthink-every-little-thing syndrome, so my feelings are not completely crystal clear. (fast forward present day, 9 weeks left of semester 2 of Freshman year) We continue to converse.

This has been my past year in a nut shell. But just the boy nut (that sounds odd). Another short entry on my friends, and then the daily doses of my life (hopefully each night).

Thanks for sticking around through my rambling, much appreciated.

Much love, 

        Jane Doe.