A change in the tide.

08/21/2012 06:57

The title of this article is quite misleading. My summer has been, disappointingly, quite boring. Rather than a summer filled with new adventures and new friends and new beginnings, I feel stuck. Yes, I've had small spurts of fun here and there, and I've taken a couple trips, but other than that, I feel as though I'm stuck in a cage and I can't break free. For some odd reason lately I've felt very disconnected. Not just from family or friends, but from myself as well. I feel distant from myself as well. I don't know who I am. I feel fake, I feel like my relationships with everyone are fake. Whether this makes sense or not is beyond me; this feeling is quite difficult to put into words. I have tried explaining this to my friends, but I don't believe they understand the gravity of the situation. It's been weighing quite heavily on me and I don't know what to do.
Now the reason for this odd predicament I find myself in? I can only think of one answer. Unfortunantly I suffer from social anxiety. I used to think it was depression, but after a few visits to a physiologist I was told differently. This was not surprising to me, I had my suspicions that the symptoms I had read about sounded much like what I was dealing with. In simple terms, social anxiety is (or atleast the type I have) causes me to question everything socially. I question my reltionships with most everyone, I over analyze every single action of my family and peers, and it drives me insane. Even something as simple as a friend not texting back after I had invited them to hang out, my mind could subconsciously twist it into that theyre ignoring me, and as we speak talking about how much they hate me to one of my other friends. Now if that doesn't seem that bad to you, it's much worse than it sounds. I am driving myself in circles and I don't know which way is up. But the worst part? I am completely aware of it. I know I twist things into crazy conclusions that could never actually be true. My friends are good people and love me. I know that I make it up, even as I'm doing it. But for some reason, I can't stop it. And it still drives me crazy.
I don't think anything understands this either. I had confused in Cathy during one of our sleepovers, and she attempted to give me advice. 'Dont listen to that stuff!' she said. 'Block it out!' she says. 'I know it's hard, it'll just take time!'. I don't think she understand that it's something I can't do anything about. Because Im aware that I'm doing it, even as its occurring. And I still believe it.
I just don't know what to do.

I really need this year to be better.

Much love,
Jane Doe.