Accepting Defeat.

I miss the days of innocence. When little kids ran around the neighborhood playing secret agents. When being a rebel and staying up late was falling asleep at 10:30. I miss going to dinner or on a vacation with just your family was enough. I miss no responsibilities. I miss not worrying about looks or clothes and thinking boys were yucky. I miss when recess came along you ran around playing tag. 

Its too much today. Everyone in high school is fucked up. Everywhere you see fake smiles and people being fake to impress someone. Where has all the innocence gone? Most everyone is having sex or wishing they could. Most everyone is drinking or getting high or wishing they could. Being a rebel today is staying out of the house till 5 in the morning and when you finally come home your completely stoned. 

Not everyone is like that. 

Me and my friends aren't. 

But to tell you the truth, sometimes I wish we were.

Sam has been almost begging to go farther than kissing. And I finally tell him I will, and he doubts me and treats me like shit. 

I feel defeated. And I don't know where to go from here. 

Honestly, I just want to smoke and get high and for even just a few hours, forget. Forget the worries, forget who I am, and just be. I know the problems will still be there, but atleast for a little while it won't swarm my mind. 

And I want to do it again. And again. And again. 

But like I said. 

We don't do that. 

Maybe not for long. 

I suggest you all read the perks of being a wallflower. It is simply the greatest story ever written in my opinion. It is crazy how much you can relate to Charlie, the main character. I want to share a poem with you that I found in the book. I think its relevant. 

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s
and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think
he could reach the kitchen.

Much love, 

Jane Doe.